Is There a Place for Tough Love in the Bipolar Journey?

TLDR Version: Yes

Is there a place for tough love in the bipolar journey? From someone who has been through mania and depression, I believe so. BUT — and this is a big BUT — tough love has to come from the right person, at the right time, about the right things, with the right amount to be productive. Too much or too little runs some risks that we will get into.

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But Aren’t We Supposed to Show Unconditional Love?

1000%  Yes. This is a time where your loved one needs you most. Mania and depression often results in major losses like job loss, relationship loss, reputation loss, and more. Having the right support group is vital to get your loved one back on their feet one day.

But this does not mean we coddle our loved one for the rest of their life. By giving a dose of tough love every now and then, you signal to the person struggling that — while you sympathize with their mood swings – their current state is not a permanent station. Moreover, certain behaviors are NEVER acceptable.

I recognize that bipolar disorder is categorized a disability, but I DISAGREE with making that an excuse for not reclaiming balance in living fully once again.

Here are my thoughts regarding the right place for tough love:

1. It has to come from the right people. In my case, the right people were my parents — not my siblings, not my friends, not even my spouse at the time. Why? They were the two people that showed up when life fell apart. It somehow got through to me that they were going to be by my side no matter what. I trusted them and had known them to give me tough love in the past. I appreciate their tough love when I see the benefit later, so I just had to trust that the tough love they were giving me when I was struggling to regain balance would be good for me in the long run as well.
2. It has to be done at the right time. Give the tough love in private. Your loved one is very sensitive and already dealing with a lot of shame for not being at their best. Getting a stern talk will be received better when their dignity is preserved.
3. It has to be done about the right things. The movie Silver Linings Playbook is a great example of someone with bipolar getting tough love about everything (the family improves with time). You cannot judge a person according to the same standards as before. You have to reconstruct a new set of expectations and then hold them accountable. For example, my mother and I agreed that I would get out of bed at 10am when I was in my severe depressive stage. If I would still be in bed after 10am, then she would remind me of my commitment. Even when she saw me struggling to get out of bed, she would sternly and at the same time kindly get me out of bed somehow and into the shower (another thing we agreed I would do every morning).

Finding the “Right Amount of Tough Love”

I suppose I’ve been making it seem like tough love between me and my parents was a smooth arena during my recovery journey.

WRONG

There were so many times when I didn’t take the tough love well, and my parents had to discuss among themselves how to adjust their strategy. (Not to mention the consoling they had to do to each other for dealing with my vacillating mood).

There were also times when I think they were struggling with my behavior and they lost their cool. I recall that would bring the feeling of being both misunderstood and embarrassed. It wasn’t easy to deal with, but I knew inside that they loved me and they too were learning to deal with me when I was unwell.

As I have written in the past, both parties — the person seeking to reclaim his life and his support group — must operate with a spirit of unconditional love, understanding, and forgiveness.

What do you think?